Ok, for one, I haven’t been able to show you pics of my sl because the Wordpress plugin I installed doesn’t support .bmp images, which is the only option when snapshoting photos in Secondlife.  Grrr… and I had tons of pics to put up . Until I get that fixed, I have to have a look at this new theme.  It doesn’t seem to be showing the blog categories correctly .  Everything keeps going in the “Blog” category, where it’s not supposed to be.  There are a few things I need to think about before I keep the theme up.  I may need to get a new one.  Oh, and widgets, those confuse me.  So, I’ll work on that some this weekend if I can.  D gets the night off so we may be working on our sl shop which I am stoked about!  Gosh, I never say the word “stoked”, hehehe, but it describes what I was feeling atm.  Well tah tah for now my lovelies and have a kick ass weekend.

I swear I keep meaning to come here and blog but I just sorta got tired of doing website stuff. Yesterday, out of sheer boredome, I browsed random sites looking for a new template thinking that finding a nice one would inspire me to blog. I went to WP.com and those sucked because they dont have anything really new and awesome. So, I found this one on about the 3rd page or so on Google. So, heres what’s been up: Sunday, we had Karina’s first birthday!! She ate soo much cake and ice cream and would scream when you took away the spoon. It was so funny. She loved her toys too. Her favorite is a monkey that wobbles on a ball and makes silly noises.

My kids are good. They’ve been getting better about helping clean up. Their Papi cleaned up all there toys and put most of them in the shed so now, they really can’t get that much of a messy room. It’s nice having the house in some sort of order, although the laundry is slacking and our bedroom is a whole nother story. I barely make the bed and clothes are everywhere. It’s went from a cute, candle scented master bedroom to a landing pad that we crash into every night.

Our ceiling in the living roomhas a big hole in it, patched up but some wood boards. D was fixing a burnt out wire to the air and feel through. I laughed so hard inside. I kept saying “free vasectomy”.

Secondlife is more like our first lives. D has gotten into it sometimes more than I. Virtual world is so much better than going out and getting fucked up, I swear by that… and it’s cool, because it’s not like a bunch of young people running around there. It’s an 18+ place and mostly people our age or older play. I’ve meet women and men that are grandparents, as well as people just out of highschool. I never put up pics but I will today I’m going to finally let you all in on my secondlife.  So here it is.  My first snapshots, for the world (a mer handful of people) to see http://gallery.heart-shot.org

This is going to be a long one….. so grab a drink.

I watched a movie a while back called The ZeigtGeist (http://ZeigtGeistmovie.com - It’s free to watch).  It changed my views completely on religion.  I grew up Catholic, Sunday school and all, midnight masses and most importantly a baptism.  I even got married in the church I was baptized in.  My husband became baptized as well, the morning of our wedding.  I know this could all be well written but I’m flooded with thought and emotion, so deal!  Well, around 2005, I found a love for rock/metal/screamo type music.  I even tapped into a little death metal, which was too much for me altogether.  So, there I was, listening to bands like Avenged Sevenfold, Atreyu, Coheed, Fall of Troy and countless others on XM Radio.  Some of the lyrics in the screaming were kind of sick, lol.  I don’t know why I got, in a sense, turned on by the screaming.  Like, seeing M.Shadows scream with his tattoos, piercings and fangs was fucking awesome.  I knew that their name came from the bible and that they were somewhat religious or where back in the day.  I never really looked into it, but I listened to more bands and got more into the “near” death metal sound.  I tried not to because it just sounded harsh and sadistic even.  I played a song one time on XM and me and Daniel looked at eachother like “Whoah, that’s scary soundin”.  So, I stick to rock, just good ol hard rock with an occasional punkness or sreaming in it.  I felt bad because, I am trying to be a good person but singing out “I’d kill anything cut the throats of babies for them break their hearts for they were
them.” sounded wrong, even if it was a story and not real feelings in the lyrics.  That was one of my favorite songs (In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth 3) and it killed me to sing that part.  Now, I’m trying to be good… I’m trying to find myself and how I can fit my lifestyle in that of how God wants me too.  I am different from your thought of a “Christian”… I am a Catholic girl with alternative views.  I don’t know if it’s right to have an alternative way of religion, but I do it anyway.  Now, by the bible, there are commandments and things that God wants you to do and not do to make your way to heaven.  I don’t stand by eating like a damn pig, cheating on my husband, killing someone for whatever reasons but other things I DO do sometimes are be greedy and envious.  I can’t seem to figure out things like, why men are built to fuck and reproduce while women are built with emotions and hurt by the things like cheating and adultery.  So if men are breed to reproduce (hence why they are so attracted and flirt with every girl they find cute - I saw this episode last night of Tool Time where Wilson was telling Tim the reason he looked at girls was because men are built to make life….), so anywho, if that is the case, then why are women programed to hurt and cry over it.  Shouldn’t we be built with a “turn the cheek” sort of outlook?  Shouldn’t it NOT hurt us.  Why is bigamy wrong then?  I thought men were made to spawn.  Religion just drives me into a huge state of confusion!  I always wonder “WHY GOD????!!!!” “Why weren’t you with me when I needed?”  “Why did you let that happen to me?” and “Why don’t I never know why you do the things you do.  Why do you let me suffer when I felt it was not needed.” Then while watching another video online, I found out why.  The guy speaking says that the reason for pain and suffering is so that we can go through things and cry out for God’s love and help.  To need him and him feel needed.  To go through so much pain every now and then to beg for God and realize and refresh your self with how much you need him.  So I assume that my personal sufferings where to realize that things could be even worse and I should treasure my life and thank God for giving me another day and another day and another…  I should be reunited with my faith each time I suffer and may my faith, in pain and suffering grow stronger and stronger each time I go through things.  So, back to music… I was watching YouTube with Daniel today and we were looking for cover songs, because we like seeing talent and shit.  So, I randomly saw a Paramore cover for “Heart” and I watched it and looking through more videos of theirs, I saw some Flyleaf ones, which I love them so I searched for more.  I used to have them downloaded, but like in death metal I had the same mentality that Flyleafs lyrics were bizarre and made me feel like the songs were about depressing things like “I’m so sick infected with, where I live…”  Well, I came across a comment from someone saying how “nice Lacey is AND they are Christian”.  I was so confused, like WTF??  So, I of coarse Googled them, which took me straight to Wikipedia and it was right, they are all Christian.  Wow, it brought new meaning to the song “Fully Alive”.  I watched her live videos and totally got it.  It’s like a light in my head turned on.  I saw the way she moved with the lyrics and felt her peace with God.  I felt happy and I new that nothing else mattered.  No rules, no expectations, not what God thinks of me.  All I wanted to do was get right back with him.  I just wanted to push my way through all of the sadness and thickness of drama plaguing the air.  I wanted to run to him and say that “I don’t know if I’m following your way to a “T” but I am trying, I want to be a good person and I want you to be happy with me”.  Although, my actions are sometimes not something I think he would smile at.  Like, I can’t stop smoking right now, and wow, I’ve had some really good bl*nts lately and I just don’t feel like it’s wrong because it’s been helping me calm down and chill out more.  I feel like I can be myself 110%.  I feel like my thoughts are hidden behind scared lips.  I never think twice, I just say my thoughts and it’s cool.  Like, if I were sober, I would be afraid to say things because it might not make sense or be funny, but when I’m high, I have everyone laughing their asses off sometimes and it helps me provoke good conversations and stimulate thoughts with others where as not being high, we’d all be quite.  I dunno, it’s just me and I don’t feel wrong for doing it.  Sometimes, I say things like g**damnit and holy shit and you know the rest and it makes me feel bad only like 70% of the time.  Am I a bad person?  I don’t know.  I may smoke and do some other things but in general, I help people, I give, I am positive with my talks of God and I’m just not bad.  I feel like I’m not devoted but I’m not that bad, ya know.  So, is it enough to get me into heaven when I die?  I dunno, but watching “Fully Alive” and singing the lyrics now, everything means so much to me. and I don’t care what you or anyone else has to say.  God and I share something, some kind of love and maybe not the best but I have a bond with him and even though it all seems like the bible is just collection of storys, I know there is a God.  I’ve been at my lowest and have felt him with me and comforting me when I felt like really depressed or after ruff times with my parents.  I know that there is something positive that loves me.  and I am almost certain there is a virgin mary that is not just a story.  I dreamt of her when I was having really bad problems with my mom.  I dreamt of her and it was real, I remember it to this day like it was real.  I believe in God but maybe not the way that others in different religions do.  I sort of have my own thing with God.  I feel good about it, it could be much better but the details are all just to confusing to me.  I am so dominate in my relationship with Daniel, and no he’s definitely no little bitch, he holds his own.  I am mainly so oppinionated and dominate in the decision making and things like that.  He’s more laid back and passive with me.  but if I were to follow the way you here in church or the bible, I think me relationship would be non exsistant.  I could never back down and let him be the “manly man”.  I make the decisions, it’s always been that way and it works for us.  I pick the food, the clothes, everything.  It’s almost like I’m my own “guy”, lol but yea, we are different with religion and raising our kids.  So what if we spend hours playing “rock band” or chasing each other around the house instead of always reading bible stories or Christian music or kid friendly music all the time.  It doesn’t always have to be that way.  If we spent our whole life living for God and doing what HE wants, when will we find us?  How do I get my way in there and still do it without loosing my ticket to Heaven?  I’m not intentionally being a bad person but who doesn’t swear every know and then (sometimes all the time), and who doesn’t wish bad on a whore flirting with  their guy.  It’s shit like that I feel is okay but most wouldn’t.  So what if I don’t dress in a skirt for church.  If I’m clean and feel nice, who gives a fuck if I have green nail polish on or chew gum or where jeans on Sunday mass.  God knows I’m there for him and not looks.  See, me and God have an understanding I think, that most people are too uptight and stuck in their ways of religion to accept.  Thus one of the reasons I don’t go to church.  I want to be me, while others want me to be someone else.  Oh, and that whole, “Your body is a temple and shouldn’t be damaged”, well, body art is BEAUTIFUL to me whether it be in form of ink, jewelry or something more…

You can’t sit there and tell me that you haven’t felt this way.  I know I’m not the only one with alternative views.  I feel like I want to be better but I still want to be “me”.

—————-
Now playing: Coheed and Cambria - Always and Never

Right before we left, I stayed up late on Second Life.  I wanted to leave my close friends on a good note.  K and I talked and he asked what was wrong because he said I seemed on edge.  We talked and by the end of the night he was at my house and we were having some good freaky role playing and then I guess his computer crashed.  I left him 2 messages and waited a while for him to get back online and then I eventually just got off because I had to get some sleep.  I was happy though that we were all good.  To sum that up, he said he didn’t want to be in a M/s relationship and he still liked me but he just wanted to be benifriends, “no collar, no commands”.  Being a sometimes needy girl, all that he said took a blow to my heart but yea, I like him and he just fits the description of everything I was looking for in sl.  So, I’m just gonna accept the friendship for what it is and just do a good rp every now and then.  I’m not really looking for an M/s relationship, or anything sexual, just some cool people to chill with.

Waking up for Florida…  We were late at everything and left around 10:30.  We got down there around 6 or something.    We slept in lil’ Alexes room.  So here’s the roll call: Danny’s dad (aka Abuelo), Abuelos girlfriend, Carmen.  Carmen’s daughter, Claribell, Claribell’s son, lil’ Alex, who is named Alex because he’s Danny’s brothers (Alex) son.  Now that we’ve got that out of the way, lol, we have Liza (she’s 15 and very grown for her age), who’s Danny’s cousin.  She’s staying there with the fam because back in NY where she’s from, she always had problems with people starting fights with her.  So, she wanted a new place to go to school and not worry about fights.  So… our first night hanging out, the kids go to bed and we go outside to drink and smoke.  Clari got a bad contact hight I guess and was a lil drunk from one wine cooler.  She kept us intertained (jumping the fence, eating a roach, licking a worm/ slug thing, running with a stick in her mouth like a dog.  It was hilarious!!!  The next day we went to this place called “Defiant Ink” where we got tattoos of the keyworks.  Mines on my inner wrist and his is on his forearm.  Clari got her stomach and tongue pierced and to top that all off, she got a big ass tatt of a scorpian on her neck.  We still all have no clue why.  I’ve got some pics and video to put up but my phones dead so I’ll do it some other time.

Disney World was fun.  We got lost at first, we finally found it and had a sunny day out on the rides and went into all the cute lil shops.  We took pictures and saw the night time parade and musical which was really magical.  It stormed some and rained hard that evening so we were all soaked.  We didn’t buy panchos because them fuckers costed too much.  It was like $7 for the adult and $6 for the kid ones and all they were was like thin ass plastic.   Overall, it was a blast.  The kids were behaving (for the most part, lol).  Overall, my thoughts of sl sorta just drifted away at the beach.  I forgot the whole M/s thing and my friends and just chilled.  We all got burnt.  D had it bad because his body is hot pink.  He’s been complaining like a little bitch.  It got so bad as he started thinking he might have had some 3rd degree burn.  I was just like “Nah, that’s just your white ass gettin’ burnt!”  The ride home sucked.  I was sore, smoked way too much and the kids argued over the movies they wanted to watch.  Jaden was watching The Incredibles while Princess Laena begged to watch Cinderella.  I had a headache sometime driving through Valdosta.  We got home and I made yummy sandwiches and started “sl’in” shortly after sitting down.  Nothing much was going on really.  Anywho, that was my vacation.  I’m done now and need my Frapp.  I took an extra strength Tylenol cuz I was so extremely sore and now I’m sleepy again.

so just when I think things are good, everything gets all fucked up again!! I’m just so upset how people can tell you one thing and then turn around and make it so it’ll never be. I know I’m not making any sense of things right now. I feel like I’ve just been stabbed in the chest. Everything is going wrong. I think I’m getting sick (like really badly) because something happened to my throat and I’m scared to talk about it but yea, life just sucks ass right now. I’m so glad I have D but right now, he’s so excited about leaving and being with his fam and I don’t want to ruin that for him. I’ve never had heart break like this in years, but yea, someone I thought was something to me broke my heart 2wice!! You don’t have to be in love to be broken and that’s what they wanted and yea, the did it, they broke me. I could cry, but it’s hard when my kids are around or someone else. I try to keep it bottled in but it only makes me want to just break shit, take shit and just be high beyond reality. I know that if I keep on being sad and confused that it will cause a dent in my friendship. I can’t tell him because it just makes things more complicated. I wish I could just stop hurting already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just feel like I was his arm candy and his nigga, and not what we said we were gonna be.

Tomorrow we’re leaving for Fla.  We’ll be back in 6 days.  I’m really depressed and don’t want to go.  To be honest, I’m upset about not having internet, as my true friends are online and that’s where I feel most comfortable.  I wont have no internet the whole time.  I’m bringing my laptop anyways in case of Wi-Fi hot spots, which I hope to God they have!!  I will die without talking to my friends.  Well, I wouldn’t die, but my heart is slowly bruising and turning black :(  Man so anyway, I went to Target yesterday and bought 3 shirts but they are too tight (no pre-mommy body anymore) and I need to get a small instead.  I looked at the x-small and showed D.  We thought they looked rather long, so I got them as I thought they would be too big.  Guess not.  I also got a cute bathing bathing suit that’s chocolate brown with different colored polka dots.  I had to get a new belt too because my pants don’t fit.  I haven’t been eating right and have lost some weight.  Well, maybe like 5 pounds or so but with my clothes it’s a big difference when I wear them.  BLAHHH!  I’ve got so much shit to do and stores to hit up.  I better geta move on now.  I’m really gonna miss my friends on SL but they haven’t been on so I probly wont get to tell them that I’m even leaving

The electrician is supposed to come by in the next 2 hours to fix our air!!!!!!!!!  YAY.  I’m so happy   We’ve been using 2 ceiling fans, one floor fan and a window unit in our room.  It hasn’t been tooo bad.  It’s gotten to about 80 degrees I think.  Grrr. and we had to push back our holidays because his dad doesn’t get time off the road just yet.  So we’ll be going maybe the end of the month and for about 4 days only.  We’re going to DISNEY WORLD!!  I haven’t been since I was like 16 so it should be fun!  Daniels never been before so I now him and the girls are gonna love it!!  I feel like having a London moment, heheh.  YAY ME!!

Yesterday, my partner/husband in SL asked me if I could send him a pic of me. Well, after loooooong thought and consideration, here’s what happened: It was late and I was alone. The girls went to grandpas and Karina was asleep . I was feeling so guilty for not telling him things in from the start (like I had kids and a husband and my real age was 27). I sent him this loooong email explaining how I thought we were getting to close and before he gets attached to me I had to tell him somethings. I told him everything!! [Read more…]

Let me just start off by saying that this post is not entirely about my husband. It’s just a mass amount of men in particular and does not apply to all of them.

Now, why is it that men are hardwired so differently than women? I never seem to understand that a mans true needs will always be in a physical form. By physical I mean, like into a womens body. [Read more…]

Yesterday I logged in to moderate these 2 comments.   They were from these 2 guys and one of them had a site so I visited it and noticed that the bastard stole part of my blog post!!!  I would post the link but be giving them hits.  So, I sent him a rather rude message!!!  Plus, right underneath my stolen post, there were links to inappropriate content regarding teens and porno related crap… I’m sure if your over 13 you’ve seen links like this “Hot young teens…”  So yea, I’m pretty pissed off!!

Thats all I can say right now.  Where about to BBQ with my godson, his dad and the neighbor’s kids.